


Letters from the Void

by adoctoraday, justanotherrollingstony (adoctoraday)



Series: Letters to My Love [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Canon-Typical Violence, Communication Failure, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Lack of Communication, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, One-Sided Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve Rogers & Tony Stark Friendship, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers is an idiot in love, Steve writes letters instead of talking about his feelings, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 23:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoctoraday/pseuds/adoctoraday, https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoctoraday/pseuds/justanotherrollingstony
Summary: Tony gets a box.Inside that box is the truth.The truth hurts.





	Letters from the Void

**Author's Note:**

> If you think any of the tags are inaccurate or something should be added please let me know (politely). I hope you enjoy this angst fest I wrote on the way to work this morning.

Tony’s fighting for his life and the lives of everyone on earth when it happens—Carol gets the gauntlet to Steve and he watches through the fray as he raises his hand and snaps his fingers, the echoing resonance rolling out in waves around the battlefield.

 

His opponents turn to ash around him and he blasts off, heading to where he saw Steve collapse, light and energy consuming him. 

 

He gets there and falls to his knees in front of his teammate and best friend, throat thick when he sees the extent of the damage. Tendrils of black writhe under Steve’s skin and his arm that wore the gauntlet is like a charcoal briquette, crumbling when Tony reaches out and touches him. 

 

There’s blood in his teeth when he smiles at Tony, “We did it, we won,” he gasps, breath rattling in his chest. 

 

Tony shakes his head, tears burning in his eyes, “Don’t you dare give up,” he hisses, barely aware of the other Avengers crowding at his back. A hand lands on his shoulder and he glances up to find Pepper at his side, her armored thigh pressing into him, offering her support silently.

 

“I’m tired Tony,” Steve rasps out, coughing wetly, choking as he spits out a clump of blood. “I’m...I’m sorry for everything,” he gasps, tears in his eye as his other hand reaches out pleadingly. 

 

The nanites retract and he takes Steve’s hand, tears rolling down his face, and he can feel the weakness in Steve’s grip, and it’s wrong, so goddamn wrong because Steve is the strongest person he knows and it shouldn’t be...he shouldn’t...it’s  _ wrong. _

 

“You don’t—”

 

Steve cuts him off with a weak shake of his head, “I do...never said it…before.” His breathing is wet and rattling in his chest and Tony can see the way his skin is blackening, falling from the bone and he wants to vomit, wants to scream and where, where’s the gauntlet? 

 

He can undo this.

 

Steve must see it in his face because his grip tightens and he tugs on Tony till they’re just inches apart and he shakes his head. “Don’t...they need...you...more than they...ever needed me.”

 

Tony sobs and shakes his head, “Goddamnit you self sacrificing bastard, don’t do this,” he begs, “please.”

 

Steve smiles weakly, “M tired Tony…” his lashes flutter and take a lifetime to open again, “thank you…didn’t deserve you...I…” he trails off and his eyes gain a faraway look that Tony understand and he rocks back onto his ass and holds Steve’s hand as the others take turns whispering goodbyes. 

 

He feels it when the life leaves Steve’s body. 

 

* * *

 

 

The sun is setting slowly in the distance when a car pulls up to the house and he watches the shadowy figure inside sit for a minute before emerging, box tucked under his arm. 

 

Barnes looks good, Tony decides—whatever the Wakandans did for him worked. 

 

He watches the man stop at the stairs and hesitate, gaze flickering to where Morgan is asleep on his chest. She hasn’t left his side in a week—too scared he’d leave again and not come back this time. 

 

He jerks his chin and Barnes nods, steps silently up the stairs till he’s at Tony’s side and then shifts the box, sets it on the chair next to Tony. 

 

“He would have wanted you to have these,” the other man murmurs, voice rough and eyes cast low. 

 

Tony nods and when Barnes starts to walk away clears his throat, “Dinner is soon, stay?”

 

There’s a long pregnant moment where he thinks Barnes will reject the offer, but then he turns and Tony sees in profile that he’s on the verge of tears. 

 

He stays. 

 

It’s a quiet dinner and when James leaves he takes the box and goes into his study and shuts the door, then locks it for good measure. 

 

He hasn’t had a drink in years but he’s sorely tempted now. He stares at the box for nearly an hour before he finally opens it, a surprised laugh barked out when he sees that it’s full of envelopes, all addressed with his name in Steve’s familiar handwriting. 

 

They’re organized by date and he starts with the oldest, hands shaking as he unfolds it, the scent of vanilla and old paper wafting up to him. 

 

It’s dated just three days after the Battle of New York. 

 

_ Tony, _

_ I don’t think I’ve ever met a man like you. I was so wrong about you—everything I said was wrong, everything I thought I knew...god I wouldn’t be surprised if you hated me. It seems like it sometimes, and I’m sorry I messed up but I don’t know how to talk to you. It’s like trying to talk to the stars—you’re so far out of my reach I wouldn’t even know where to begin.  _

_ With sorry, I guess.  _

 

The next is from six months later.

 

_ Tony, _

_ I wish I could tell you how much fun I had today. I’m still shaking a little—I can’t believe you rented out Coney Island and spent the whole day there with me. I’ve never had a birthday like that.  _

_ God Tony...I wish...I wish I could tell you what it meant to me.  _

 

The next is from shortly after the Mandarin incident.

 

_ Goddamnit Tony! I’m so mad I can barely write...why wouldn’t you call me? Why do this on your own? We’re supposed to be a team! You’re my friend...my family...my… _

_ Goddamn _ _ it Tony _

 

One post collapse of SHIELD.

 

_ I should tell you.  _

_ I should. _

_ You deserve to know. _

_ I’m making myself a liar by not telling you.  _

 

_ Your parents were killed by my best friend while he was brainwashed and controlled by HYDRA. _

 

_ See...I can write it but I can’t  _ _ say  _ _ it and I think that makes me a coward.  _

 

_ I should tell you. _

_ I’m stuck Tony, because if I tell you, you’ll hate him for what he did but you’ll offer to help me find him anyway because that’s who you are; a good man. You sacrifice yourself for us all a thousand times a day and don’t ask for thanks and I don’t...I don’t know if I can ask you to make this sacrifice.  _

 

_ I  _ _ am _ _ a coward.  _

 

Three after Ultron.

 

_ I get why you did it. You’re not wrong. I just...why wouldn’t you talk to me about it? We...I guess I can’t judge you, I’ve been lying for a year now to you, everyday that I don’t tell you about your parents. I sit in the lab and watch you work and we talk and I don’t say what I should.  _

 

(There’s a picture Steve drew of him in the lab, smiling as he works on a hologram, and the way Steve drew him….his chest hurts looking at this because it’s...he didn’t know Steve  _ saw _ him like this.) 

 

 _I love_ _you Tony, I should be able to tell you that—but we both know I’m a coward. I love the way you smile, how you wave your hands when you’re explaining something, how you always make time to help me, how you’ve given me a home._

 

(Steve loves him... _ loved _ him...and the force of that information hits him like a wrecking ball. He sits back and closes his eyes, covering his mouth to stifle the sob that wracks his chest, threatening to tear him apart.)

 

_ I saw you fall today Tony—saw how it devastated you when Pepper finally left and I wanted to be the one to gather you up and hold you in my arms, but I don’t think I get that right. I want to dry your tears and kiss you and tell you that you deserve to be loved, that you deserve to be held and touched and given the world.  _

 

_ I wish I could be the person to do that for you. Because I love you Tony, but I don’t deserve you.  _

 

The letters drop from his numb fingers onto the table as he collapses in on himself, sobbing. He had no idea, had never known…

 

Steve  _ loved  _ him.

 

He cries until his eyes feel hot and dry and his throat is raw. Wiping his face off on his shirt he reaches for the rest of the letters, working through years of them as night slips into dawn. 

 

_ Tony, god Tony...what have I done? You’re right, I’ve broken the team and I don’t know how to fix it…I don’t know how to fix anything anymore, and I hate myself for what I’ve done to us, to you.  _

 

_ If I loved you I wouldn’t have hurt you. _

 

_ God Tony...I wish you had killed me.  _

 

He has to stop then, stop reading and go to the window to watch the sun rise in the distance; reds and blues and pinks painting the sky and he thinks it looks like something Steve would paint if he were still here. 

 

He finishes the letter. 

 

_ Bucky says he isn’t worth what I did and I told him that’s not true but Tony...you’re worth so much more than what I gave you. What I did.  _

 

_ You deserve a teammate who trusts you, who tells you the truth, who protects you instead of destroying you…. _

 

_ And I don’t think I’m that man.  _

 

_ I’m not sure I ever was.  _

 

He reads about Bucky being cared for in Wakanda and how Wanda recovers slowly and how Sam counsels Steve for months and he wants…

 

He wants to bring Steve back so he can scream and shout and call him a damned coward and kiss him because  _ god _ they were both idiots. 

 

When he finishes the letters there’s one more envelope, this time with a flash drive. He sets it on his work table and FRIDAY runs the files before displaying a video titled  _ The truth. _

 

Steve smiles at the camera, arms crossed over his chest, gold hair damp and cheeks pink. He lifts a hand and waves, laughs bashfully and shakes his head. 

 

“I figured I’d try it your way for once Tony. Uh, FRIDAY assures me she won’t share this with you until I’m ready...but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

 

He pauses and shakes his head, “I’m still a coward Tony. I’ve been in love with you for ten years and I’ve never told you the truth.”

 

He scrubs a hand over his face and sighs, smiles tiredly. “The truth is Tony, I don’t think I ever deserved you; not as a friend, as a teammate,  _ especially  _ not as a person I loved, but I was selfish enough that I took your trust and friendship and I squandered it.”

 

He plays with something in his lap and then lifts it, shows it to the camera, and Tony exhales shakily. It’s his reactor. 

 

“You tore this off and told me to use it to get as far away from Thanos as I could and all I could think was that you’d just handed me your heart again and I wasn’t going to destroy it this time. I’m going to take care of it Tony.”

 

He smiles sadly and wipes at his eyes, clears his throat, “I’m glad you have Pepper and Morgan, but I’m selfish enough to wish it was me.” 

 

He goes silent for a long time, fingers stroking the reactor, brow furrowed. He shakes his head slowly and sighs, breath hitching for a moment. When he looks back up at the camera there are tears in his eyes. 

 

“We’re going to undo this Tony. We’re going to undo what Thanos did and I’m going to make sure you get to go home to Pepper and Morgan. I’m sorry I never told you the truth. I’ll always love you Tony, always.”

 

He stares at the camera for another moment and then nods and the screen goes black. 

 

“Sir, Pepper is requesting access.”

 

He nods and looks up at her when she stands beside him and she must see the tear stains on his face because she’s on her knees beside him a moment later, hands cupping his face, hushing him— _ Shh don’t cry Tony, shh _ —and he’s crying? 

 

He didn’t realize. 

 

Pepper holds him, rocking gently as he grieves for what could have been, all the missed chances and opportunities and the love that could have been. 

 

When he calms he hands her the letters and watches as she reads, brows furrowing till she gets halfway through and then sets them aside to pull him into her arms again, lips pressing to his temple. 

 

“I’m sorry Tony,” she whispers against his skin, “I thought you knew.”

 

The words slam into him and he struggles to breathe for a moment before he chokes out, “You...you knew?”

 

She nods, “He wasn’t as good at hiding it as he thought. He looked at you like you were the stars honey. He loved you so much but was so scared to say anything.”

 

Fresh tears roll down his cheeks and he wipes at them hastily, “Sorry, sorry, this is probably the last thing you want to see,” he whispers hoarsely.

 

Pepper pulls back and gives him a stern look, a smile playing around the edges of her lips. “Stop. I’m glad you had someone who loved you, even if he never said it, he still loved you. It’s ok to mourn that loss,” she tells him gently and his chest feels like it’s cracking open, he can’t breathe, he, he…he sobs anew and presses a hand to his mouth, shattering apart in Pepper’s arms. 

 

She holds him till he calms, till the sun is up and Morgan is awake and playing in the living room and Pepper smiles softly as she wipes his face dry and kisses him. 

 

“Stay in here as long as you need,” she murmurs, kissing his forehead. He grabs her hand and rises to his feet—what he needs now is her and Morgan. 

 

When they go out to the living room Morgan grins and jumps off the couch and into his arms. He holds onto her tightly as Pepper lays a hand between his shoulders, face pressing against his shoulder as they stand together, his girls holding all the pieces of his broken heart in their hands. 

 

He invites Barnes over and a few days later they walk around the lake talking about Steve. It hurts, a lot, but it gets better when James tells him a story about Steve riding the roller coaster at Coney Island and throwing up. 

 

It feels good to laugh. 

 

It feels like he’s coming back to life. 

 

They talk for hours till they don’t have any words left and stand by the lake as the sun sets slowly in the distance, the wind in the trees and the birds singing and it’s oddly peaceful.

 

James sighs and shakes his head, drawing Tony’s gaze. “He was an idiot, but he loved you. I know what that’s like and I miss it and you know,” he pauses and laughs softly, “there’s nothing like being loved by Steve Rogers.”

 

Tony smiles faintly and nods, staring out at the ripples spreading on the surface of the lake.

 

There sure isn’t. 

 

When he gets home he hangs the jagged remains of Steve’s shield over the door in his workshop and stares at it for a moment, smiling sadly. 

 

That night when Morgan asks for a bedtime story he tells her about a skinny guy from Brooklyn who loved ice cream and threw up on roller coasters and was braver than any man Tony knew and how that man went on to save the universe. 

 

He writes a letter and takes it to the lake to read aloud, feeling slightly foolish as he does, but he thinks that maybe somewhere, Steve can hear him. 

 

_ Steve, _

_ I got your letters.  _

 

_ I love you too.  _


End file.
